👣Power Of 👣
" Identifying Others By Their Body Language "
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Recognizing and Interpreting Physical
Signs and Signals Takes Practice
Throughout this book you will discover the meanings behind
postures, movements, gestures, and facial expressions. You
will learn how to decipher lies and demonstrate courting
behaviour. You will learn both how to clarify your messages
as well as camouflage what you’d rather not reveal. Before
going any further, remember to approach the study of body
language with respect and responsibility.
• Consider the context. Counting on one gesture to convey
an entire meaning is about as sensible as counting on
one word to tell an entire story.
• Avoid commenting on what you observe. Unless
someone asks for feedback on his/her behaviour,
keep your observations to yourself. Making negative
comments about what you notice could lead to
unfortunate consequences.
“Read the signs. Reflect on what they
mean. React appropriately.
Look For Clusters of Gestures
Before Making a Declaration of
Meaning or Intent
If someone says “I love you” with a cleaver-like frown line
between the eyes, clenched fists, a curled lip, and flared
nostrils, you might want to run away as fast as possible.
If, however, the nostrils are flared while the mouth is
partially open with a smile playing at the lips, the hands
are open with the palms facing you, and the eyes are
moist, you’d be right in recognizing the signs of sexual
interest.
When you say “I’ve never been happier” with dull eyes
and slumped shoulders, don’t be surprised if your listener
asks you, “What’s wrong?” There’s no point in getting
angry or denying that your words are saying one thing
while your non-verbal behaviours are communicating
something else.
What’s In It For Me?
At this point, you might still be wondering why you should
concern yourself with learning how to read other people’s
body language. You might be deliberating the importance
of identifying different types of gestures, postures, and
expressions. You might even be questioning the benefit of
adapting your behaviour to suit the moment. If that’s the
case, consider the following scenarios.
Perhaps you want to know how your boss feels about
your current performance, or are curious about what your
partner is thinking. Perhaps you want to impress a potential
employer or reject a possible suitor. When you observe and
interpret other people’s body language, you gain access to
their state of mind. The more you know what others are
thinking and how they’re feeling, the more you will be able to
choose how to react towards them.
“If you want to create positive and
productive relationships, being adept
at reading the signs and adapting your
behaviour is your gateway to success.”
In addition, if you want to communicate your feelings without
speaking, letting your body do the talking is the way to go.
For example, you and your colleague can agree that when
either of you puts an index finger by the side of their nose
that means “stop talking”. You can set up a series of
signals that indicate the time has come to leave the room.
You can suggest your interest in someone through the way.
What Your Body
Language Says
About You...
“Even if you’re trying to hide what you’re
experiencing, little leakages, “tells”,
and mini micro expressions give the
game away every time.”
Little Things Mean A Lot
A client asked me to join her while she interviewed a
potential member of her leadership team. Both when
she asked the candidate about his contribution to the
success of the previous team he led and what value
he could bring to the organization, I observed micro
expressions flash across his face and body movements
that indicated a high level of defensiveness. These
consisted of:
• pursed lips
• flared nostrils
• tossing head and casting sky shots
• forced laughter
• fake smile
• shifting in his seat
• jiggling feet
• pulling backwards into his seat
while crossing his arms and legs and
tilting his head sideways.
Although the facial expressions were fleeting, they were
telling, as were his body movements and gestures. Together,
pressure. And, no surprise… Turns out that the candidate
wasn’t all he claimed to be.
Had my client not trusted my observations, she could have
made an expensive mistake. While he told a good tale –
spinning and exaggerating here and there – his body’s
movements told a truer story.
Not even your thoughts and intentions are immune to
reflecting themselves in your movements and facial
expressions. For example, your boss says something that
you think is the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard. Before
you know it, your eyes are rolling around in your head,
which is the rudest facial expression a person can display,
next to gagging. At that point, you might consider looking
for a new job, as you may have blotted your copy book by
demonstrating your derision and disdain.
Another example. You see someone who catches your
attention. And you catch theirs. Observe how your bodies
speak. Your eyes connect and hold the gaze. Your lips slide
into shy, sensuous, inviting smiles. Your chests and chins
may lift as your bodies tilt forward, all of which indicate that
your intention is to get to know one another.
“It’s amazing how many things you can do when you’re just
pretending.”
–Kim Gordon
Applying the “As If” Principle
Frequently, clients ask me to help them develop and
project confidence. From the C-suite to the up and coming
stars, confidence is the number one quality they all want
to possess. No matter how successful they are at their
day jobs, each one has a little voice inside their heads
telling them that they’re not very good at demonstrating, for
instance:
• poise
• assertiveness
• self-assurance.
Frequently they ask me how they can convey:
• calmness in a crisis
• conviction
• courage.
I tell them, “Act as if.”
According to the “as if” principle, you can create whatever
state you desire by acting “as if” you already have what you
would like to have. Like a child at play, you pretend to be
who – or what – you want to be. And bingo! Before you know
it, you’ve convinced yourself and others that you are, in this
instance, confident.
“When you act “as if” you create a new
reality for yourself.”
The irony is, you don’t even have to experience the feelings
that go with the mental state you want to project, which is
good news if, for example, you’re feeling doubtful and you
want to convey certainty. As long as you act “as if”, the rest
takes care of itself.
Basic behaviours that demonstrate confidence include the
following.
• Posture. Upright, chest expanded, head lifting upwards
from the crown, chin held in a horizontal position, the
sensation that the shoulder blades are meeting at
the spinal cord and melting downward. Weight evenly
distributed.
• Eye contact. When speaking, look at the other person
45–75% of the time. When listening, aim for 65–85%.
Too much eye contact can make a person look defensive
or threatening. Too little indicates signs of discomfort,
including shame or shyness.
• Facial expressions. Think “Calm. Open. Positive.” A warm
smile welcomes others into your arena and makes you
appear in control of your environment. Avoid big, toothy
grins, as they can make you appear more comic-like than
confident.
•Gestures. Contain your gestures. Be
in command of your movements. Keep
them simple and clear. Gesturing higher
than the shoulders implies a lack of
control, while gesturing below the
waist indicates a lack of interest.
Once you take on the behaviours that
demonstrate confidence, you’ll be amazed
at what happens. The more you act “as if”,
the more others react to you as if that’s
who you really are. The more they react
positively towards you, the more you feel
comfortable with the behaviours.
As your feelings change, so does your thinking; and
as your thinking changes, so do your behaviours. The
cycle of thoughts, behaviours, and feelings comes
full circle.
For an excellent, short YouTube video that demonstrates
this principle, go to https://www.youtube.com/
watch?v=Ngr2kG48Xvw
Be advised: while the behaviours listed above are
acknowledged as being those that confident people
demonstrate, we are all different and therefore may
have variations on how we project confidence. Whichever
behaviours you choose, make sure that they are true to who
you are and what you stand for.
“When you act “as if”, you take on the
behaviours of the state you want to
project in order to create your desired
outcomes.”
Reading People’s Emotions
“In this respect, I suppose I’m the total opposite of Garry [Kasparov].
With his very emotive body language at the [chess] board he shows
and displays all his emotions. I don’t.”
–Vladimir Kramnik
Some people wear their feelings on their sleeves and act
out what they’re experiencing at the time. Others choose to
suppress their moods in an effort to conceal their feelings.
When you’re deciphering other people’s emotions, remember
the following:
• Look for clusters.
• Read body language in context.
• Some non-verbal behaviour is culture specific.
• Observe what’s happening in the present.
• Don’t judge what you notice based on past experience.
• Treat the other person with respect.
Many body-language signals can imply negative states, such
as
• boredom
• disinterest
• anxiety
• uncertainty.
This can lead you to believe that the person is tired,
fed up, or feeling out of their depth. And you’re
probably right. That being said, before making your final
interpretation, ask yourself: “What is happening that is
causing the negative feelings, resulting in the negative
behaviour?”
For instance, it might be due to a disrespectful boss,
work overload, fatigue, feeling excluded, hunger, illness,
change, etc. While non-verbal behaviour is a sure
indicator of a person’s state of mind, circumstances play
a part too. Whatever you do, don’t jump to conclusions
based on a single movement, gesture, or facial..
expression. Body language is best interpreted in clusters
and in context.
Throughout this book, you can find specific signs and signals
to watch for. I’ve included a few more below, which, when
taken in context, are a reliable indicator of a person’s
mental state.
Signs of negative states
• Sweating.
• Flushed skin.
• Chewing on objects, including lips and fingers.
• Jiggling feet.
• Shallow breathing.
• Frowning.
• Tense lips.
• Short, quick breaths.
• Contracted pupils.
Signs of positive states
• Cool skin.
• Open gestures.
• Calm demeanour.
• Genuine smiles.
• Easy eye contact.
• Deep breathing.
Moods, attitudes, and emotions reveal themselves through
your non-verbal behaviours. Even if you want to conceal your
feelings or intentions, a twitch of your cheek, the widening –
or narrowing – of your eyes, and the turn of your lips will
give your game away. If you want to project a specific state
of mind – let’s say, feeling calm, confident, and in control –
take on the corresponding behaviours and pretend that you
are what you want to be. Before you know it, not only will
you have convinced others, you might even have convinced
yoursel
Listening
“People who speak more than they listen
miss valuable information.”
What is Active Listening?
Eyes
Ears
Undivided Attention
Heart
The Chinese Symbol for Active Listening includes symbols for
Ears, Eyes, and Heart as well as for Undivided Attention.
When listening actively, you engage your eyes, ears, and
heart. You focus on the other person, giving them your
undivided attention. You listen to understand, and leave
judgements outside the door.
Listening requires more than just hearing the words being
spoken. When you’re deeply engaged and really listening
to someone you not only pay attention to the words
themselves, but also observe the non-verbal behaviours
as well. These include (but are not limited to) the
following.
Facial Expressions
“He had the look of one who had drunk the cup of life and found a
dead beetle at the bottom.”
–P.G. Wodehouse
Look to a person’s face if you want to know their mood,
thoughts, and intentions.
Forehead
• Smooth indicates calmness.
• Wrinkled displays worry, concern, annoyance, or
anger.
Eyes
• Comfortable, easy eye contact shows a relaxed attitude.
• Staring or avoiding eye contact suggests a negative state
of mind.
Mouth
• Tightly drawn or pursed lips are a sign of a negative
mindset.
• Chewing or sucking on lips implies unease or discomfort.
• Lips that are lifted in a smile indicate a positive outlook.
Skin colour and temperature
• Flushed and moist skin reveals stress and tension.
• Cool, dry skin indicates a relaxed state.
Having noted the behaviours, and determined their meaning,
you’re prepared to choose your response.
Gestures
“The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t being
said. The art of reading between the lines is a life long quest of the wise.”
–Shannon L. Alder
Whether gestures are conscious or not, they reveal
vital signs for understanding the speaker’s attitude and
intentions. For example:
• Short, sharp, jerky gestures imply tension and aggression.
• Fluid, open, slow gestures suggest receptiveness and
affability.
• Fiddling fingers denote fretfulness.
• Fingers held in the steeple position at waist level in front
of the body indicate power, influence, and authority.
• Clenched fists indicate anger or frustration.
• Crossed arms indicate detachment.
• Jiggling feet and tapping toes show impatience.
• A balanced body reflects a controlled mindset.
• Clenched fists, a laser stare, and tightly drawn lips in
combination indicate a threatening attitude.
• A trembling lip, bowed head, and moist eyes are signs
of sadness.
• Finger picking, lip chewing, and neck rubbing reveal
discomfort.
Vocal Patterns
Placement, pace, and volume are vocal qualities that reveal
a person’s state of mind.
• A strangled sound, stuck in a person’s throat, is a sign
that the speaker is holding back, demonstrating lack of
clarity, freedom, and commitment.
• High-pitched, tight voices come across as childlike,
uncertain, and insecure.
• A voice that resonates from the chest implies authority.
• Voices that are flat, muffled, and lacking in resonance
indicate that the speaker is avoiding engaging in open
communication.
• Rushed sentences and garbled words indicate
anxiety.
• A loud voice demonstrates dominance and control.
• A soft voice can indicate insecurity and a lack of
engagement.
Breathing Patterns
Where you place your breathing impacts on how you
communicate and are perceived.
• Quick, short, shallow breaths denote angst, anxiety,
and anger. The sound produced is either fearful, weak,
lacking in support when placed in the upper throat, or
harsh, angry, and strangled when produced lower down
the vocal channel.
• Breathing from the diaphragm produces a rich, round
sound. Long, deep breaths that rise from the bowels of
your belly are strong and solid. Your voice resonates,
eliciting attention and respect.
Breathe from the diaphragm to produce a rich, round sound.
Word Choice
People perceive and respond to the world around them in
different ways.
Some people are visual, peppering their communication
with words and phrases, like: “See. Look. Point of view. The
way I see this is… Can you see this from my perspective?
I envision this project… I’m a big picture person. The
outlook for next quarter is good.”
Others experience the world through sound. People with
a preference for the auditory use phrases such as: “How
does that sound to you? That’s music to my ears. I hear
you. We’re singing from the same song sheet. We’re in tune
with each other.”
Those who are more attuned to touch are said to be
kinaesthetic. They use language like: “How do you feel
about that? Let’s touch base. Let’s strike a balance before
this becomes even more uncomfortable. The thought turns
my blood cold.”
Speakers may use a combination of senses when
speaking. Your job, as listener, is to pick up on the
speaker’s language and reflect it back in your response.
Understanding the speaker’s point of view enables you
to respond to what you hear in a way the speaker can
relate to. Even if your preferences are different, if you
want to establish rapport and demonstrate good listening
skills, adapt your language when necessary to match the
other person’s. (In Chapter 3, you will learn more about
establishing rapport.)
Posture
When people aren’t physically engaged there’s little chance
of listening taking place.
Standing, sitting, or lying down, how you position your body
impacts on your readiness, ability, and willingness to listen.
• Slouched, slumped bodies indicate a lack of engagement
and a lack of interest.
• Lifting your torso, allowing your head to sit upright on
your neck while letting your shoulders lie back and
down, and looking at the person speaking, with a calm
expression on your face, sends out signs that you’re
interested and prepared to listen.
Listen For What’s NOT Being Said
While you may find this suggestion counterintuitive, play
with the idea: Listen for what’s not being said. For example,
someone tells you that their life is super fantastic. But
something in their delivery tells a different story. Perhaps
their eyes are dull or watery, maybe their lower lip is
trembling. You might notice that their voice is flat and
lifeless, or that their hands are hanging limp and their head
is hanging down. Non-verbal signs reveal more about a
person’s internal state than the words they speak.
“By paying attention to their choice of
words and means of delivery, you can
read the speaker’s mood and adapt your
behaviour accordingly.”
While taking in all of the above information may seem a
daunting task, the more you practise, the more you will improve.
When you listen to someone, giving them your complete
attention, you make them feel valued and that what they’re
saying is important. Even if you don’t want to hear what
they have to say, act as if you do. Instead of arguing
and justifying – thus shutting down the listening process
– breathe deeply, calm your face and body, look at the
other person as they speak, and smile. When you adopt
the attitude and behaviours of an interested listener, you
will find that your engagement levels rise. (Turn back to
Chapter 1 for more about acting “as if”.)
“When you really listen to another person from their point of view,
and reflect back to them that understanding, it’s like giving them
emotional oxygen.”
–Stephen Cov
T
he people who achieve success in their careers,
the people to whom others flock and want to
emulate, the people who seek solid connections
and build relationships based on trust… these
are the people who use their rapport-building and
networking skills to advance their agendas. No matter how
bright, capable, and appropriate for the job you are, if you
don’t reveal those traits in your behaviour, no one’s going to
know or care about knowing you.
The best rapport builders and networkers are curious. They want
to know about you. Listen to the kinds of questions they ask:
Where do you work?
Where are you from?
Where do you live?
What do you want to
have happen as a result of
your attendance at
this event?
What made you decide
to come to this event?
When would you like
that to happen?
Who else do you know here?
Who invited you?
Who would you like to meet?
Let's see how
I can help you.
You may be thinking “Whoa. Those are pretty personal
questions” and you’d be right. But, if you don’t ask the
questions, you don’t get the answers. The more you know
about someone, the better positioned you are to build rapport
and network with them. By demonstrating interest and a
desire to help others, you will become a five-star networker.
You can gain useful information by asking open questions –
those that require more than a “yes” or “no” answer.
“It’s all about people. It’s about networking and being nice to people
and not burning any bridges. Your book is going to impress, but in the
end it is people that are going to hire you.”
–Mike Davidson
Being nice to people and not burning any bridges. Sounds
simple enough. So, how come some people find being nice
so difficult? Why do others destroy relationships? Those are
topics for another book. For now, observe how people who
are not being nice behave. Their:
• eyes tend to squint
• mouths purse or pucker
• lips turn down
• chins thrust forward
• foreheads lower
• face frowns
• arms are crossed
• gestures are closed.
Adopt a couple of those positions for a few moments and
see how you feel. Because the way you behave impacts
on how you feel, the chances are you’re feeling quite
negative. And, because how you feel and behave influence
other people’s reactions to you, don’t be surprised if you
find yourself standing on your own. Negative attitudes and
behaviours are guaranteed to push people away from you.
Not good for rapport building and networking.
Part of the point of rapport building and networking is to put
others at ease. Do that and you’ll discover that when your
name comes up in conversation, people who know you will
speak well of you and others will want to meet you.
To build rapport when networking, give these behaviours a go:
• Act like you’re the host of your own party.
• Aim to make others feel comfortable.
• Offer genuine smiles in which both the mouth and the
eyes are engaged.
• Look at people directly.
• Lean towards the other person as they speak.
• Use open gestures, showing the palms of your hands.
• Keep your movements fluid and relaxed.
• Show interest by asking open questions.
• Keep your facial expressions warm and inviting.
• Find out what the other person needs.
• Offer to help however you can.
“The currency of real networking is not greed but generosity.”
–Keith Ferrazzi
Sometimes you can get stuck in a going-nowhere
conversation. The person is perfectly nice – just not
someone you find particularly interesting. Rather than
staying stuck, take control. Any one of the suggestions
below will help you both move on to other conversations.
• “Come join me while I top off my drink.” People tend to
congregate near the bar, so you’ll both be able to find
others to talk with.
• “I’m so enjoying our conversation and don’t want to
monopolize your time. Let’s join the man/woman/group
over there.” You may find that the person you’re struggling
to connect with engages easily with someone else.
• “I have to speak with Amanda/Tony before they leave. Is
there anyone you’d like me to introduce you to before I
find them?” Even if you don’t know the person, you can
walk up to them and say “John/Ann, I’d like to introduce
you to George/Katrin” then leave them to get on with the
rest while you find the person you wanted to meet.
Rapport is Your Path to Persuasion
What is rapport? Why is rapport important? How do you
create rapport? What does rapport have to do with non-verbal
behaviour? These are questions clients frequently ask.
Simply stated, rapport is a state of understanding feelings
and communicating well. When you are in rapport with other
people you accept and connect with them, treating one
another with respect. When you’re in a state of rapport you
have a shared mental connection or bond. You “get”
“I think there’s a natural chemistry between us as friends; and there’s
really no separation between the rapport that we feel when we’re in
conversation and when we’re playing music, it’s one in the same.”
–Benny Green
So why is rapport important? Because it’s the gateway
to success. When you want to persuade others, start
by building a trusting, ethical, respectful relationship.
That’s rapport.
You create rapport by demonstrating interest in other
people. You gain insight into their mental state by noting
the following.
Facial Expressions
• Eyes. The eyes are the mirror of the soul. If another
person avoids making eye contact with you, or tries to
stare you down, give them the space to act out their
negative behaviour before responding. You can say
“I notice that…” or “Help me understand…” in order to
get them to see things from your point of view. If their
eyes are dull and lifeless, match their behaviour for a few
minutes until they feel comfortable with you. Then you
can change the mood by looking at them as you engage
in conversation. If you’ve built a trusting relationship, the
other person will return your gaze.
• Mouth. Pursed lips indicate a tight point of view as well
as an unwillingness to communicate. A ready smile
shows interest and welcomes you into the person’s
space. If someone seems disinclined to engage with
you, smile and be patient. As long as you treat people
with respect, they will eventually come around.
Face colour. While you may find it difficult to mirror
another person’s blush, knowing how you feel when you
go red helps you understand what the other person is
experiencing. Demonstrating empathy is a pathway to
persuasion.
Gestures
Observe the types of gestures and movements other
people use if you want to understand their mindset.
For example:
• Finger pointing at another person is a sign of aggression.
• A backward flick of the hand is a dismissive action.
• A jiggling foot indicates impatience.
• Rubbing the neck or throat is a signal that you need relief.
• Twined legs and clasped hands are signs of discomfort.
When seeking to persuade someone who’s demonstrating
negative behaviours, patience is required. You don’t want to
reflect back what you see, as doing so really lowers the tone
of the interaction and reduces the chances of reaching an
agreeable outcome.
Rhythm of Movement and Energy Levels
• If the other person’s body is still and his gestures are
few, you’ll struggle to establish rapport if you’re bouncing
about in a Tigger-like fashion.
• Conversely, if the other person is full of energy and
you’re more contained in your actions, you’ll find
establishing rapport easier when you adapt your actions
to match theirs.
Vocal Patterns
People’s voices reflect their past and their present, their
hopes and their fears. By identifying the sound, pitch, pace,
tone, and volume of another person’s voice you can tell
whether they’re feeling positive or negative. Knowing that
guides you in choosing the best way to approach them.
• A resonant voice, like a church bell or a Tibetan monk’s
chime, is full, rich, and easy on the ear. People are
drawn to resonant voices. This voice conveys authority
and indicates power. Aim to match this sound when
persuading them.
• A voice that is shoved in the nose, stuck in the throat,
or buried in the depths of one’s body indicates that the
speaker is holding back something about himself. Ask
them to tell you more about their thoughts and points of
view to elicit useful information when the time comes to
persuade them to see things another way.
• A voice that comes from high in the head is expressing
excitement, enthusiasm, and energy. Adopt these tones
to show that you’re on the same wavelength.
• Slack muscles around the mouth and tight muscles
around the jaw prevent clear articulation. Avoid these
negative behaviours.
“People have deep and painful reasons
for not wanting their voices to be heard.
Respect that and encourage them to
speak.”
Breathing Patterns
• Fast, slow, deep, or shallow, aim to match the other
person’s breathing rate and placement. This technique
gives you an insight into what the other person is
experiencing. A deep sigh is a sign of release. Quick,
shallow breathing indicates anxiety.
• Avoid staying in a strenuous breathing pattern for too
long. If you prolong taking short, shallow breaths too, you
will start to feel anxious. Not a good feeling when you
want to be persuasive.
Word Choice
The language people use and the way they deliver their
message tells you about their point of view. When you know
their mood and mindset, you’re able to adapt your behaviour
to communicate best with them.
• People who pepper their conversation with derogatory
words and negative critiques tend to have low self-
esteem and a pessimistic outlook. They struggle to
establish and maintain eye contact. Their gestures are
closed and include pointing fingers, clenched fists, tight
lips, and a furrowed brow. They find establishing trusting
relationships difficult. Other people avoid spending
time with them because being in their company feels
burdensome.
• People who include positive words and phrases when
they speak are likely to have high self-esteem and view
the world optimistically. They demonstrate interest in
others. Their gestures are open and welcoming. They
make eye contact, nod in agreement, and smile with
understanding. Others are drawn to their company
because of the positive energy they exude. Being in their
company feels good.
• When you’re looking to persuade someone to your point
of view and their behaviour is positive, reflect back
what you observe. When their behaviour is negative,
listen, reflect, and address what you have noticed, using
supportive language and behaviour, including:
■ nodding in acceptance and acknowledgement
■ leaning towards the other person
■ establishing and maintaining comfortable eye contact
■ smiling as appropriate
■ containing your movements and gestures
■ using phrases such as “I’ve noticed that…” “From
what I’ve observed, you appear to be…” “What else
can we do to…?”
• Demonstrating warmth, interest, and care goes a long
way in getting others to come around to your way of
thinking.
Posture
• A body that is limp and lifeless displays disinterest.
• A body that is upright and alert demonstrates
engagement.
Reflect back the positive actions you notice. Acknowledge
the feelings being displayed in the negative behaviour, by
using supportive language and an even tone of voice.
When you establish rapport through mirroring and matching
behaviours, your chances of persuading other people to see
your point of view are increased.
“Persuading others to your point of view
requires a trusting relationship, which
can be created through establishing
rapport.”
You can establish rapport by mirroring and matching
the behaviours you observe in a respectful way. By
demonstrating similar actions, you’re showing that you have
comparable ways of addressing the world. You understand
one another and are, as the Italians would say, simpatico,
with a special bond between you.
One of my colleagues who loves to dance describes being
in rapport as dancing with a partner whose body fits hers.
They dance on the same wavelength, with firmness and
flexibility. They move in sync and are comfortable and in
tune with one another. There’s a shared sense of peace
and compatibility. She follows her partner because she
trusts him.
She then goes on to say:
“Being out of rapport is like dancing with someone
who is either rigid or flaccid. Neither is good. They
either put no muscle into their movements or push
and shove you around the dance floor with no sense of
rhythm or harmony. I don’t feel compatible with them
and don’t trust them to guide me… dancing with them
is no fun.”
People who get on well move in unison – leaning forwards,
leaning backwards, making similar gestures at the same speed
and rhythm. Applying these principles when you want to persuade
others to your point of view is a vital part of the process.
“ With rapport, all things are possible. Without
rapport, life is an arduous journey.”
Four Principles For Building
Rapport
1. Mirroring
When you mirror someone, you become the mirror image of
them. For example, if you were standing in front of someone
who raised her right hand with the palm facing towards you,
you would raise your left hand with the palm facing towards
her, creating a mirror image. Mirroring is not mimicking and
should be subtle and respectful to avoid causing offence or
embarrassment.
2. Matching
Imagine standing in front of someone who raises her right
hand. Rather than raising your left hand, as you would if you
were mirroring, raise your right hand too. Matching is different
from mirroring in that it is less obvious and more outside your
conscious awareness. When you’re matching someone, allow
a bit of time to pass between when the other person gestured
and when you respond. Otherwise, you could come across as
mocking and disrespectful, not good attitudes to display
Mirroring and matching are ways of tuning into someone’s
thought processes and how they are experiencing the
world. When you mirror and match you are listening with
your whole body. When you are in rapport with someone
this behaviour happens naturally, making you both more
capable and more susceptible when persuading and being
persuaded.
“Mirroring and matching others’ actions
doesn’t mean repeating them exactly,
movement for movement. Rather,
you reflect the sense of what they’re
communicating.”
In addition to matching other people’s movements,
gestures, and expressions, you can mirror and match
their voices.
The most persuasive voices are:
• Relaxed. The sound is free and resonant. The body is
void of blockages caused by pressures and anxiety.
• Approachable. No judgements, prejudices, or sarcasm
hamper your ability to connect. With a warm and inviting
sound you encourage others to listen and respond.
• Flexible. Differing pitches, rhythms, and levels of
intensity make for a persuasive voice. Engaging
your listener, your persuasive voice opens the door
to connecting with others and them responding in a
positive way.
Before Stephen Covey came up with the idea, St Francis
of Assisi spoke of seeking to understand before being
understood. This brings us to the last two principles of
building rapport. To persuade someone to see your point
of view, seek to understand how they see their world first
before taking them into yours. First pace, then lead.
3. Pacing
To persuade another person, pace them. This means listening
attentively to that individual with the intention of understanding
what’s going on with them. This is where you aim to find
common ground. Pacing requires acknowledging a person, being
patient with them, and giving them your full attention.
• Pacing requires observation skills. Once you have
listened to the words and vocal quality, noted the energy
levels, seen the postures and gestures, AND absorbed
all of this information, you adapt your behaviour and
words to match the other person’s in order to establish
rapport.
• Pacing is sometimes equated to running alongside
someone at the same speed. Pacing is also described
as meeting other people where they are.
“Mirroring behaviours – not mimicking or
mocking – creates a common bond.”
4. Leading
When you’re leading, you’ve moved from pacing to guiding.
You’ve established a trusting relationship by acknowledging
to follow your lead.
• Use open gestures, such as an upward-facing palm, a
smile, or eye contact as a way of convincing others.
• Lean towards the other person as you speak to show you
care about them
Source :-
Body Language Learn how to read others
and communicate with confidence Elizabeth Kuhnke - Illustrations by Curtis Allen
[ THIS book is Available on Pdf Drive app ]
